I dunno what to say ~

So dear human beings as you know that I am single for about 5 months now ~

I'm doing pretty good ~ well I believe this post is part of the let out

and how I sorta dealt with my broken heart

So basically I think the first remedy is to cry 

just cry as hard you can, crying actually help to ease off the pain and the weight your holding in

your having a broken heart, you have the right and all the documents of prove that you have the right to let it out and cry ~ 

second of all. YOU NEED YOUR FAMILY AND BEST BUD'S SUPPORT

seek the company from your frenz, talk to them, cry in front of them 

they can give you the best comfort, understanding and advice

Jeez Louise, I have boogers and slime pouring down from my nose, when I cry in front of my bestie 

make sure there's a tissue box right beside you

I understand the besties wont care that you will cry in glam but come on. I'm very sure they don't wanna see all those gooey fluids dangling  

third, is to do the things that you've never done before and to meet new people

I went to the club twice with my babes, but I just manage to stay in the club for just 1-2 hours, I'm outta here!

coz I have tinnitus, I have a really bad ear when I approach to loud noises. my right ear will be so darn painful and I will have great headaches 

and the club is really not my thing, I don't like clubbing

no offence to you party people and clubbers

I think the club is an ugly place

basically what happened was, I go out and spend, I spend on yummy great food, shopping ....

and yet I still feel very upset

then I remember what my mum told me, if I'm feeling unhappy chant or please do look at your tattoo to remind yourself

"Happiness is not something ready made, it comes from your own actions"-Dalai Lama

and it's true

I'm a Buddhist and I do follow my mother's root 

so what I did, I browse online to look for Buddhist Society in Cambridge

and I found one and the society is under the University of Cambridge

and plus the it was the next day they have the "meet and greet" 

perfect timing*

so what I did was to fb message them by asking whether I can join in although I'm not a student from Cambridge.U, but yea they replied and say yes I can just come over

I need some really positive people around me, plus Cambridge university students in the Buddhist society ~ must be very good 

it is good to blend with people who has class and knowledge

as for my uni 

*roll eyes*

well basically, even for us art people, we wont mention the actual name of our university you see, if we want to say it, we say we are from Cambridge School of Art

which is true, well basically we have this big building with different departments

the big building (doaflkajnfhdfs University)

the building contains people who study science, psychology, business and yada yada yada

so for fashion (me), animation, graphic, photography, interior (we are the cambridge school of art)

I really don't mean to be rude, but for those other departments are usually (*cough* chavs, hood chicks/dudes)

so I went to the Buddhist Society which is located in the chapel, I love to go into their university ouuu is sooooo pretty !!!!

I have to walk over the Mathematical bridge to go to the chapel ~ 

trust even the security guards in their uni are way more polite and the way they speak is very adequate compare to my uni *pfft* 

before I join the society, I always call the people who study in Cambridge U aliens 

and trust THEY ARE ALIENS !! I experienced it and I have have the definite points to name them that ~ well to be frank, I do feel like shit when I'm with them, bcoz they are so smart, the way they speak, oofff, very educated very knowledgeable, have that taste of class

but they did mentioned that I'm doing something that I'm passionate about and everyone is different and it will create that certain drive to achieve my career that I will be very happy about

*which is true* but trust

if I have my dad's brain I want to be a vet ~  

my bestie Tory, speaks good english, both her parents are doctors and her mum speaks posh english, I thought it was good, but the alien world is a whole new different level

I'm not bashing the ppl from my uni, but .... it's true ! let me tell you what happen .... basically now the fashion departments have 4 studios now, and the actual studio that I was working in is at the ground floor, I need to release my bowels, so I have to go to the one which is nearest to my studio.

the toilet is a unisex toilet, so means male and female can use it

so when I'm done I opened the door, there's this black dude wants to use my cubicle and it was the only one available and then ....

"hey yo, there's a pubic hair on the toilet bowl."

I turn and said "well that can't be mine because I dont have any."

*walk off*

when I reach the studio I was :

 "WHAT DID I JUST SAID ??!!"

I use my hair to cover my face and I was red ~ RED

I told my bestie what happened and she burst out laughing *hard*

she said this is the best joke of the year 

and she said "even though that was funny, but who the hell will mention the pubic hair anyway!"

omg .....

ok come back come back*

I joined the society and I went to join the meditation activity and boy oh boy I love it !!

I fell asleep at first lol, but it was good !

I strongly prefer the walking meditation, even the Buddha strongly recommend it 

I feel all the pain just went down to my feet, ease off the burden in my heart, realized so much when my brain is relaxed and blank

and I really need this, I need this society

all the comments that he mentioned "You are this sad depressed little girl when I first met you."

"It's been 3 months." 

"The past is the past you have to let go,"

"you have to move on."

Fine fair enough, I was depressed due to stress (imagine this, I go to college every single day, score distinctions and merits, tutors and classmates knows I'm a hardworking and good student, applied for uni while none of the uni accept me or invite me for an interview while the people who are a no show and only got passes got accepted by universities, so I took a gap year bcoz I need to be in the country for 3 years to be considered as home student, during that period I threw all my stuff away and build a new portfolio, and the portfolio I looked into were masters level while I was just a college student) ofcoz that will be stressful and during that time guys just used my kindness and sincerity coz I trust and believe them ofcoz I will be depressed ! I can't believe he will name me that ... I was open to my problems bcoz I was comfortable when I was with him and when we were couple, I hope he will understand me and support me to make me this better person, but no instead he can call me that.

I realized I am not this "sad depressed little girl" is just I am in the wrong hands. 

"It's been 3 months" - wow .... so throughout all those 2 years of relationship and he so called love me very much can just wipe off like that ... and yet I'm his so called first love ... although we are not couple anymore but how come there's not an inch of love in his heart ...  I know I did treat him well and pampered him well and I do love him ... 

and lastly he has NO RIGHT to ask me to let go and to move on, everyone else can say so but HE HAS NO RIGHT TO ASK ME TO MOVE ON ... although I'm the one who chose to break up... but I REALLY HAVE NO CHOICE I HAVE TO DO SO 

long story short 

*he accused me of hacking his facebook account, he called the police for an investigation and he said the police said there's proof that I did it*

I did burst out crying while the nun asked me why I came for meditation, I cried because I realized so much, I cried because I feel how come people can be so cruel and how can he do that while I truly love him so much. Is just the trigger of realization comes to my senses .... 

then after that my next activity was to go to the Ajahn Brahm talk 

it was the best Buddhism talk ever

he was a physicist from Cambridge University, then he went to Thailand to be trained as a monk

he uses his experienced and humor to teach and talk about Buddhism

he is so funny, when I do my sewing or homework, I just go on to youtube to listen to his talks 

and I even bought his book 

there's one story that he said that made me be able to move on better and healthier

There's a monster wanted to go into the palace, the guards of the palace pull out their weapons and try to shoo the monster away, they shouted at the monster with rage and anger, each time they try to attack the monster, the monster grew bigger and bigger each day, so the king left the palace to ask for the Buddha's help, the Buddha said to the king "let the monster in, show it with kindness." so the king went back to the palace and followed the Buddha's instructions. Each day of kindness the monster became smaller and smaller until it disappeared.

This story means, the more we push the pain away, the pain will grow stronger and stronger, if we open our heart and embrace the pain, become a better person and let go, the pain will eventually go away without noticing it and whatever we've faced, bad relationships, got raped or whatsoever, it is not our fault. 

there's one time, someone ask for his help to council a woman, and he was the only dice to help her. She went through a lot of doctors, support groups, psychiatrist still no improvement ...  

so he went to help her without knowing what had happened to her, without any preparation, he said the knowledge will blind the truth, so basically the lady was brutally raped, he said to her "you are very lucky that you got raped." 

*surprise surprise, he was shock himself when he said that but after a while he understands why those words came out from his mouth,*

"you have the great strength in your eyes that other people don't have, and you can tell that unfortunate person "I understand how you feel, don't worry you are not alone", I am a monk but I can't say those words and I can't help because I've never been through that incident before, but you can."

with that story, I understand that senses now, people say think positive, time will heal lalalalalala, yea I understand all that, but how, it's not easy .... I realize I've been pushing the pain away, keeping myself busy is a way to push the pain away, that's why I move on with pain, but that story made me realize so much and yet it is not my fault, I'm not wrong this time ... yes I lied to him before but I lie to protect myself, protect him because I don't want to argue, I don't want to cause any arguments while is such a small matter, I want to be happy to be with him, and seeing him saying those hurtful words that can seriously bash me down, it is not me being extremely sensitive, it is just his use of words are very cruel until it seems like your not worth a damn thing, when I say what he says are hurtful he will be like "ou, I'm just saying it out of anger" well yes I know that when we're angry we say a lot of mean things, but there's this certain line we just don't cross. I did slapped him before, I feel sorry I did that, I shouldn't but ouch his words stings to the core ... people lie because they are afraid, yes I was, I was afraid of him, afraid of his harmful words, he will hug me to make me feel better again, but the next day, it will happen again, I can't having the warm love then seeing him crushed it, again and again ... I was scared of him ....

When I cry so hard because I was in great pain, he will film me crying to let me see it so I can reflect myself and also mentioned I might need a psychiatrist.... doing this is to help me ... being with him was like walking on strings, a little bit of fault will go tumbling down ...

it is no exaggeration, words do hurt 

during the Ajahn Brahm talk, I realize a whole new level, I cry again lol !! omg ...my friend who sat beside me was shock, lol omg awkward* will say sorry to her next time when I see her ^^

but it really made me so much better, so I embraced my pain, I became a better person, I am confident, I am not this bad person he mentioned, I am doing well in uni, I am talented, I have a great wonderful family who truly loves me, great frenz, I feel beautiful to maintain the compassion at heart. I am very in place, mummy said baba is going to buy a house in chesthunt next year when I move back to London ^^  

so one day me and chloe went into Giulio's and they put out a sign that they are hiring, so I think is a good chance to improve myself to get some experience, so I asked them whether they want someone who can do part-time or full time, but they want someone who can do full time, well I cant bcoz I'm a third year now, need to dedicate my time to my work, but they asked me what days I can do, so I told them I can only do during the weekends or stretch it until Monday but they still ask me to hand them my CV and they will put me in their record =) after 10 minutes I left the shop, they called me in for an interview

Giulio is a boutique that sales contemporary top brands like dolce and gabanna, michael kors, helmut lang, paul smith and all that ~

Chloe said that boutique don't simply hire people and they are very hard to get in if they invite me for an interview, it is a good sign ~

my outfit for the interview ^^

I was very sleepy because I was working on my dissertation and I was nervous ~ so the interview was very smooth sailing and after 2 hours they asked me in for a trial 

I went for the trial and the stock room is a whole bundle of confusion ~ then my feedback was "we don't want to lead you on but we really want someone who can do full time and jsdnakdsjd with the rota *I forgot*, but we were very impressed with your CV, and you are very confident on your trial you actually approached the customers and involved in the shop which is good and obviously you know fashion and you have a very unique style." 

and then I said "it's okay, if you guys didn't take me in I won't blame you at all, I understand."

"No ofcoz not that, if we are not impressed we will be like thanks but no thanks, but yea ofcoz we don't want to lose someone who has potential."

ou well, I can't do full time, but one short trial and feedback makes me happy and I feel great and knowing I'm good at fashion and I know fashion, it's amazeballs 

so yes do something, that was unexpected and leap out of the comfort zone ~ is part of embracing and healing ~

so almost every week I go and play snooker ~ yes I play snooker now, I know right, I'm so hot LOL!!!! joking joking * 

I'm not used to it at first, not really great at it, but I'm improving ~ with chloe's guidance I'm doing quite okay ~

so besides improving emotionally, improving physically is totally needed as well ~ 

Before, I just had the blonde ombre hair ~

I wanted to make it more obvious, I don't want to have the whole head blonde bcoz having black roots is really ugly, so what I did was bleached parts of it ~

changing hair colour can enhance daily outfits and style, 

I really like it and my fren in class said that it makes my face smaller and it seems I lost weight ~

 well to lose weight in a fun way, is .... 

no not sex, I know sex can help to lose a lot of calories and makes the skin glow

but if your single I don't recommend one night stands, nope

I signed up for the gym near my uni and as for workout, I go spinning 

is a very effective and fun way to lose weight, tone the legs and bum area and it also helps to burn fat at the tummy area ~

and I went to get myself a new tattoo ~ 

I always wanted a unicorn for a period of time ~

so I went to tattoo crazy to do it ~

unicorn origami <3 p="">

so yes, embrace the pain, let the pain in, not pushing it away, change and become a better person, let it go ~

yesterday my phone memory is getting low, so I have to clear some certain stuff or transfer the photos to my laptop, then I found the "sent" folder via whatsapp, apparently is the screenshots conversation that I sent to my sister ~ and I read through them I found out that I am really improving and I'm getting better day by day ~

well this is going to be interesting ~

If you receive this from the person that you really love the most, how will that make you feel 

I have no place to speak, when I speak, he will imitate my voice and my movement or he will cut me in, but see ....

this is the part I really don't appreciate, he can say me this but when I say things about him his sarcasm will come out

 If this is the before me who read this conversation I will be pouring and crying hard real hard

but now I actually feel :

yea this is how I feel 

After all that, I asked him again a month ago perhaps that did he really call the police, he said no, he was just using the police to test whether I was lying 

my jaw really dropped down to my toes, I said that was a bad move of him, but he said we made loads of bad moves but breaking up IS the bad move .... after all that I do love him and hope he will understand and try to explain but he said to me was

"a wise man said if he doesn't care doesn't mean that he doesn't understand"

it is very surprising he doesn't feel a single guilt, while I constantly blamed myself and was afraid that I am the bad person and scared my frenz and family just saying nice things to me coz I'm their daughter/sister/fren ....  

"you lie to protect yourself and you do love him very much, to lie to avoid arguments but he lied out of being spiteful."  

I know, I read those conversations, I love him and all but I deserve better 

ever since I go to uni concentrate in what I'm doing, go to the Buddhist society and hang out with my friends, they can tell that I'm happier coz I'm much more chatty and joke around more, and they say my face is glowing as well =))

I am going to stay single for a while, focus on finishing my degree, build a great final collection and my brand, will definitely choose my next man more wisely and take it slow, I don't like to change boyfrenz like changing clothes so I'm going to be extra careful 

sometimes I do wonder when I can find the one 

who my next man will be 

I've tried my best to be a good girlfren, I am not saying I am right and innocent all the time, I stayed for 2 years although I got hurtful things but this police thing is too much ... leaving was the hardest but the best choice I've ever done for myself.  

 when I was with my babe chloe, she said "in my life you are the kindest person I have ever met, when we were at kings cross, loads of people passed by and they don't even care or bother to help the lady but you actually did, you helped her to carry her stuff, while no one did it but you."

"there's not a single bad bone in you Li-Qi, you are the least person to be considered as a bad person." 

"you've stayed for 2 years, you had done more than enough, the police situation is really out of order and is crazy !"