Three of swords

Ramble

Is what I'm here for ? I didn't update my blog for a very long time and once is updated

I'm writing about my sadness 

I need to let it out 

I have the need to do so 

Last 2 weeks I went to Paragon Mall to play tarot cards 

I was shuffling for my present position 

"pick out nine cards" the lady said 

once she organized then flipped them 

the card three of swords is placed right in the middle

"having a heartbreak aren't you?"

I was shocked, superstitious ~ cliche ? you tell me   

Hundreds of cards and this is the card I chose without knowing and it is placed in the middle without revealing it ~ 

I told her "yes I am ..."

I look fine

I smiled

I laughed

I went shopping 

Crazy and chitty chatty with frenz

yes I did it all 

but my heart

constantly cringing

go to bed late on purpose so the next day will approach me quickly once I open my eyes

I lost my beloved

I lost the man that I constantly called him "baby, hubby ..."

called back the name that made me smile and that names will be mine forever from him

"baby, sweet pie, strawberry cheesecake, *all kinds of mixed up dessert names, Mrs Lo***...."

someone will contact me ....

best of all

cuddles 

kisses 

someone to talk to 

I no longer can appreciate his face when he laughed, his head tilted backwards a little bit, his big beautiful eyes with full lashes becomes smaller but still able to see the colour of his eyes and the exact full shape lashes  which is like that  ||||||||||||.... *beautiul I know*

end of my summer when I go back to Cambridge

all of that will go poof disappear in thin air 

I have frenz not many of them, but I do

they are amazing wonderful loving people

but they seem to have their own plans and things to do 

I have my beloved bestie Tory, but she will no longer live in Cambridge coz her stupid landlady decided not to keep the contract of the house, NOT HAPPY ! 

plus we will only have one day a week in uni during my third year, but hell tons to do ~ 

Stupid disgusting revolting fucking dumb headed me 

whatsapp him a few days ago, it took a whole loads of breathing and courage 

the serious nerve wrecking feeling I remember when I need to kill a humongous spider

" ..... I do miss you but none of that matters.... we are no longer in a relationship anymore"

I did this to myself 

yes, I grabbed a knife and stabbed myself .... I slapped myself in the face

If I didn't text him, none of that will apply on me ... 

He is being realistic I cannot complain 

naive me 

move on ..... 

It started when he received a security message from facebook

saying that someone from Malaysia is trying to hack his account

He asked me whether I did it

I said no, but tbh I didn't handle it well

I went angry and offended

I was in flamed because he used to check my phone and history in my laptop when I was having my shower or not around, I dun mind him doing it infront of me but I seriously dun appreciate when his doing that behind my back ...

so if he thinks I will do that when we are million miles away, half across the globe 

yes I got pretty offended by that because I dun do that to him, I dun check his stuff 

when I do, I did it when his around or just wanting to get his attention

so yeah I said no I didnt do it

so he called the police to detect and see who hacked it 

then after like half an hour or so 

he send a "........"

"why didnt you tell me?"

"I'm not angry that you try to log into my fb but I'm angry you lied."

"The police will contact you tomorrow, maximum friday."

I went ballistic and kept on saying I really didnt do it 

he did mentioned about the time frame, after a few mins I sent him a message that incident happened

at that time frame 

I was at the living room watching movies with my mum and sis/ shopping at the mall

coz of different time zone it was either one those reasons

but hell why should I log into his fb for !??! 

I never even thought of that !!!!

"you never admit your lies anyway ."

"there's proof this time."

I went crazy coz I hate the feeling of being accused 

I said I really didnt do it, I can hand them my laptop and I'm ready to call my family lawyer 

and then he said ok if you didn't do it I will call back the police to drop the charges 

what was all that

I mean really ?! It was so obvious right there, he doesnt trust me 

he first trust the police ? this time I'm lucky but what if I'm not next time ?

I mentioned after all that jazz I'm breaking up with him

I was torn

shocked

scared

pretty dissapointed

hurt   

and all that, he doesn't understand that this had really affect me 

his frenz thinks I'm stupid

that I kept on focusing on the blame 

I'm not going to deny, yes I lied to him in the relationship

coz to protect myself and not to argue

insecure 

but I'm sorry 

his frenz cannot judge me like that 

bcoz none of them are not in the relationship

he is a good guy as a fren but ppl are different when they are in different roles 

I dun wanna say more 

my frenz thinks that he didn't call the police

he might've want to do something to test me but he was playing with fire

I'm afraid he did 

this break up is pretty unfair .... overall unfair 

and this is such a stupid break up !!!

STUPID !!!!

calling the police .... Portugal has the worst and stupid police force ever  

it will be so much easier that there's a pill to make the love go away 

negative me

dun wanna be in love again 

and what really bad is, I can't be in love anymore ..... he was my first proper love .... 2 years is not long

but I spent a lot of days with him ..... before him I had a relationship of 2 years with someone but it was a long distance relationship and I just got to see him around 4 times in the entire relationship 

If he is having someone else, I have no right whatsoever but I will be pretty god damn pissed

I will damn him and that girl

good luck with his certain behavior that I bet that girl will leave 

*note* scorpions sting you and you will die 

I cry and wail yes it is irritating and tiring 

but his stinging tongue will seriously hurt your feelings and no, no excuse because he was being angry and he say those stuff he doesn't mean ... yea I get that ... but those words seriously hurt until my frenz says that seriously had crossed the line ...

I am not a perfect woman to deal with 

but I dun have a forked tongue that will make him so low that ho doesn't worth a damn thing or weak 

but ofcoz stupid coconut me 

will bless him and pray and wish every single best of luck that I have for him

constantly have a soft spot in loving him and missing him deeply 

will keep an eye on him to his smiling pictures and fun with his frens 

(I'm a dumbass)  

will think of him everyday before I sleep, tears will flow down my cheeks but it's ok and I will be ok

I work out a lot, been running almost every day and drank loads of water and green tea

time will be my best friend atm ~

I have a third year collection to do and I haven't started yet

thinking of dissertation on how to start 

His last words

"Stay Strong"

"Bye"

*END*