No title .... absolutely empty

Everyone thought that I'm a happy go lucky person ~ yes , Ive laughed .... I've joked ..... I've smiled , but inside my body I feel blue .... empty ...... depressed ...... sometimes really want to feel the pain in my body to make sure that I am not absolutely numb , is it because of the weather ? I love the cold , I dun think so is the weather that made me depressed , maybe is my stupid decission , which I dun wish to tell ...... You know what kind of feeling I really hate ? I really hate that I'm feeling sad in the inside and I want to cry out loud , force my tears to come out and scream but there is nothing comes out .... absolutely nothing , not even a tear .... how to let out these kind of feeling ? smash things and hurt my self ? I want to smash things but there is nothing I can smash ..... I wanna hurt myself but dont wanna let my parents and frenz to worry me and I really dun wanna have a scar on my body .... Ppl said , when they are in a bad mood ,they will have sex .... but where can I get a partner to do that *stupid* ..... there is something bad about me is .... I dun speak out my problems , I keep it inside and solve the problems myself ........ everytime I just go to bed , sleep and wait for the new day .... In my lives .... you know what I really miss ? I really miss the days in the national service ...... my frenz accompany well .... they made me laugh .... I miss the feelings that , when I saw them ... I will give them a hug or kiss them on the cheeks ..... do something stupid , crazy and fun ... sing silly songs ..... my sis is always not at home , I'm always alone , my sis said go out and walk around , but is boring to go out alone .... I really need someone to accompany me .... I really really really need that .... I want that so much ...... I really really want that ......
I sense there's something in the wind , that feels like tragedy at hands , and though I like to stand by him , cant shake this feeling that I have , the worst is just around the bend , and does he notice my feelings for him , and will he sees how much he means to me , I think is not to be , what will become of my dear friend , and will his actions lead us then , although I'd like to join the crowd in the enthusiastic cloud , try as I may it dosent last , and will we ever , end up together , no I think not , it's never to become for I am not the one .....................................................................
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p/s :finally I can feel the tears roll down on my cheeks ..... finally I'm crying ..........